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| An open letter to the citizens of
the state of Texas from Santa Claus: Dear ya'll: I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the State of Texas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however; there are a few differences between us.  1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty." 5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!" 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. And Finally, 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus |
 An
Outsider in a small Texas town around Christmas time, saw a "Nativity
Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.
But one small feature was all wrong: the three wise men were wearing
firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!" The Outsider assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in the guys face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.' |
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Free
JavaScript from
 There was the little boy
who approached Santa in a department store with a long list of
requests. He wanted a bicycle and a sled, a chemical set, a cowboy
suit, a set of trains, a baseball glove and roller skates."That's a pretty long list," Santa said sternly. "I'll have to check in my book and see if you were a good boy." "No, no," the youngster said quickly. "Never Mind checking. I'll just take the roller skates." |
T'was the night before
Christmas and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not
even a mouse. The  stockings were hung
by the chimney with care. They'd been worn all week and needed the air.
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| What did the bald man say
when he got a comb for Christmas ? Thanks, I'll never part with it !  |
| Q: Why
does Santa wear pink underwear? A: He's a man. He did all his laundry in the one load. |
| For unto you is born this day,
in the city of David, a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. Luke 2:11  |
 And the Grinch, with his
Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how
could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came
without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'til his
puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't
before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What
is Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.Dr. Seuss |
| You Might Be Havin' A Redneck
Christmas If ... ... the nativity scene you set up in your yard includes two pink flamingos and the baby Jesus ... lyin' in a painted tire. |
A man's wife has an
artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he buys her a
new prosthetic and hides it in the closet.  Unfortunately, she finds it
and confronts him with the artificial limb."This wouldn't, by any
chance, be my Christmas present, would it?"she asks."No, of course not." responds her husband. "It's just a stocking stuffer." |
| In 1836, Alabama is the
first state in the USA to declare Christmas a legal holiday. ---------------- In 1907, Oklahoma became the last USA state to declare Christmas a legal holiday. |
